


Reasonably Priced Beef Logs

by oorsprong



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Crack, Holidays, Innuendo, M/M, very bad innuendo, what i am doing with my life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-04
Updated: 2017-12-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 09:42:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12909309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oorsprong/pseuds/oorsprong
Summary: "I have purchased a share in the Tathlor Farms Great Festival line of products to be rebranded for the First Order and sold to pay our debts.  You and Kylo Ren have been a bitter disappointment in the wake of Starkiller Base’s failure.  But you will buy your way back into my good graces with everyone’s favorite gift; overpriced processed meat.”





	Reasonably Priced Beef Logs

**Author's Note:**

> I spend a lot of December drooling over Hickory Farms catalogs, please share my pain.

“I’m very disappointed in you, General.”

 

Hux gazed up at the menacing form of Supreme Leader Snoke and fought the urge to recoil.  The projections were based on accurate figures and the dwindling resources of the First Order could no longer be ignored.  What choice did he have but to stand before the throne and admit as much, feeling disappointment and rage boring down on him from that twisted visage.

 

“It is fortunate for you that there is no one currently fit to command in your place.”

 

“Supreme Leader!-- Ren cut in.

 

“ _Silence!_   You are better served at the tasks I appoint to you, is that understood, Kylo Ren?”

 

Hux threw a sneer in the direction of his co-commander.  Typical Ren.  Eager to rise to a position he had no right to and even more eager to command alone.

 

And he’d stolen Hux’s blanket in his sleep again.  Galling.

 

“But you military types have always lacked imagination.  I am forced to solve our problem myself.”

 

“That is wise, Supreme Leader,” Ren added.  “We will benefit from your input.”

 

Snoke waved him off.  “Enough.  I have a plan that will offer us the resources to continue indefinitely.  All over this galaxy the Great Festival encourages sentient beings to waste money on frivolous gifts and gorge themselves on luxury foods.  The First Order has tried to put an end to this celebration of excess to no avail.  Instead, we will profit off these fools.  Do you know what this is, General?”

 

From his shimmering robe Snoke withdrew a wrapped package bearing the stamp of one of the largest Bantha processing plants on Tatooine.  Hux frowned.

 

“Is that a Tathlor Farms hearty sausage and cheese holiday gift set?”  

 

Ren turned his masked face in Hux’s direction and Hux, feeling his ears heat up, struggled to meet Snoke’s scrutiny.

 

“I… remember them from childhood.  Very popular gifts for people you weren’t well acquainted with.”

 

“Very good, General.  I have purchased a share in the Tathlor Farms Great Festival line of products to be rebranded for the First Order and sold to pay our debts.  You and Kylo Ren have been a bitter disappointment in the wake of Starkiller Base’s failure.  But you will buy your way back into my good graces with everyone’s favorite gift; overpriced processed meat.”

 

“Erm.  What?”

 

“Supreme Leader, you can’t be serious,” Ren sputtered,

 

“Get out of my sight before I rescind my generous offer.”

 

Hux and Ren stared at one another as Snoke’s image vanished from the throne room on the Finalizer.

 

“So we’ll put Mitaka in charge of the media department,” Hux offered, feeling the last of his sanity drain away.

 

“Obviously,” Ren snarled before departing in a huff.

  


***

 

Darkness.  

 

Silence.  

 

An ominous drumroll.

 

A black curtain bearing the logo of the First Order in red unfurls from the ceiling to applause.  

 

"Today is the end of a regime that acquiesces to uninspired flavors! At this very moment a packing plant belonging to our competitors lies to the galaxy while secretly supporting the treachery of high prices!”

 

Hux emerges from behind the curtain looking like he wants to die.

 

“All customers will bow to the First Order and will remember this as the first day of reasonably priced beef logs!

 

He holds aloft a thick sausage in red casing stamped with the First Order logo.  “I present to you, the General’s Choice!  Twenty-six centimeters of our special recipe bantha beef sausage.  I consume it at every holiday gathering and I suggest you do the same!”

 

Kylo Ren appears behind him, a menacing shadow in black.  He raises and ignites his lightsaber.

 

“But why you should you be content with the General’s log,” the shadow rumbles, “when you could be enjoying my glazed hams?”

 

With a flourish of trumpets from some unseen orchestra he brings the lightsaber down on two glossy pink hams nestled together on a tray and begins to carve them.   Smoke wafts into the air.

 

“Indeed,” Hux continues, eyes catching a sign rising up behind the camera, courtesy of one frazzled lieutenant Mitaka.  “I have personally glazed Kylo Ren’s hams and given them the First Order seal of approval.”  

 

Hux walks away from the burning hams, casting a nervous glance backwards before stopping at a table filled with ribbon-bound boxes.

 

“And what holiday celebration would be complete without a nut sampler?”  He deftly unwraps a box to reveal a selection of various nuts in separate trays.  “Tree nuts from all over the galaxy in a blend of spices that commands you to celebrate the season.”  With mild apprehension he pops one into his mouth.

 

“These nuts are salty.  But not _too_ salty.”

 

Kylo Ren comes back into frame prompting a squeak from Mitaka, who struggles to re-position the camera.

 

“The Knights of Ren shun all inferior holiday snack sets.  Only Hux’s Nuts have the distinct flavor you will come to expect from the First Order.”

 

“Yes, Ren, that’s right.  Soon the entire galaxy will share Hux’s Nuts with their loved ones; the gift that keeps on giving.”  Hux makes a face at the cue cards and tries to sidle out of frame but Kylo’s hand comes down like a vice on his shoulder.

 

“But don’t forget, General, the special treat on offer for six weeks only with every purchase of Hux’s Nuts.

 

“The uh… oh!”  A gloved hand from another officer reaches up to hand Hux a large cheese ball covered in nuts.  “Our spicy cheese ball is garnished with crushed honey-glazed pecans from Orasli.  That’s what gives our balls that nutty flavor.”

 

“But wait, there’s more,” A raspy voice emerges from the darkness followed by the Supreme Leader himself in his most elaborate gold robe.  “Purchase now and you will receive the General’s Choice beef log, Kylo Ren’s glazed hams, Hux’s Nuts, and a complimentary cheese ball for half of what you would pay at your local supermarket for an inferior brand.  We only ask for your allegiance to the First Order.”

 

“My master is correct,” Kylo hisses.  “You will bow to our meat.”

 

“Does it actually say… that?”  Hux squints as he stares at the cue cards.  “Really, Lieutenant, this is--”

 

With burst of thunderous, piped-in applause the feed cuts and the contact information for the First Order flashes on a black screen before fading away.

 

***

 

“I can’t believe we put Mitaka in charge of the script,” Hux grumbled as he rolled onto his side, jerking his half of the blanket away from Kylo for the fourth time that evening.

 

“That was your mistake, not mine,” the knight said with a yawn.

 

“You agreed to it!  What the hell were we thinking?   _Spiced nuts._ Is this going to be my legacy?”

 

“That and all the beef logs we can eat.”

 

“Speaking of...” Hux began, trying and utterly failing to sound innocent, “I’m fairly sure I have another pair of hams to glaze, hm?”

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Kylo said, waving him off, “they’re in the mini-fridge under your desk.”

 

“I… oh.”


End file.
